Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Have I died and gone to heaven? 'cause I think I see an author

by Juliet

Come on, admit it: you really, really want to date a writer, right?

I mean really, who wouldn’t? Unless, of course, you trust the likes of Chuck Wendig to tell you exactly why and how we are absolutely insane.

Or, you could check in with Charles Warnke, a young man with an incredible take on the romantic lives of those who read. (
btw, this man is young enough to be my son and yet I have *such* a fangirl crush on him. I might to have to start stalking him soon. Someone might want to warn him. Apparently, he lives in the next town over.)

But seriously, if you can look past the unwashed hair, the deadline funk, the desperate gleam in our eyes when we’ve been spending waaaay too much time with the imaginary voices in our heads...we’re awfully interesting. And how cool would it be to bring an author home and say no, he has no means of support but he’s in the Library of Congress! Or to bring an author to a crowded cocktail party and ask her, loudly, what's the best way to kill someone with a shrimp cocktail?

So I asked around, and came up with a short list of good lines to try if you’re trying to pick up an author...or at least to get the conversational ball rolling:

Personally, I don’t think genre fiction gets the respect it deserves.

2) I’m going to assign your books as required reading in my class of 500 students.

I may be old fashioned, but good spelling and grammar turns me on.

4) What’s your opinion of the semi colon versus the dash? (insert ellipses, etc.)

5) You need a new plot for your next book. Let me introduce you to it, right here.

6) I think reading glasses are sexy.

7) Did you hear about that mummified body in the locked room? How d'ya suppose it got there? (substitute any appropriately gruesome crime here)

8) How many synonyms can you think of for “walked”?

9) Want me to bring you food and drink and take care of all the housework and not let anyone talk to you for a week while you’re on deadline?

10) Good Lord. Joe Konrath. There are no words.

How about you all? Think of any good pick up lines for the next time you're in a bar crowded with authors? (read: just about any genre lit conference.) I'd love to hear them!

Maybe I'll collect them all and write a book.


Sophie Littlefield said...

oh, laughing so hard my sides hurt. if a man EVER said #1 to me, I think we'd be married Vegas-style by morning. Want to be my maid of honor?

Hannah Jayne said...

Those are way better than "I'm the grammar doctor. Now let me see that colon!"

Juliet Blackwell said...

Hahaha! Hannah, that cracked me up ;-)
And Sophie, yes, I was thinking of YOU when I wrote that, as well as #3. And of COURSE I'll be your maid of honor! I'd be honored!

Jen said...

You can't see me, but I'm taking copious notes! I'll be all set for this year's Bouchercon.

Camille Minichino said...

How am I supposed to work when it's so much fun over here at Pens?

(That's not a pick-up line; it's a real question.)

William Doonan said...

Here's my business card. On the back is a list of things I won't do if you promise to name a character after me.
(note: back is blank)

William Doonan

Rachael Herron said...

OMG! #1 gets you laid. #10... there are no words.

Shel said...

I am simply dying here. I know one author that line 1 would get me killed in her next book and line 2 would make me her life long friend. Maybe I'd better use line 2 first...*grin*. Line 9 would get me canonized especially if I used it on Julie Hyzy, who is on perpetual deadline but still manages to be nice to people. Line 7 would work on every author I have ever met, even if they don't write mysteries.