Friday, February 24, 2012

Trouser Snakes

I blame growing up on Monty Python for my adoration of the absurd euphemism. I remember being way too young and listening to Eric Idle sing the "Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis" song. Struck by the comic possibilities of being able to refer to something I wasn't strictly allowed to refer to, yet, as an eight-year-old, by giving it ridiculous names, I vowed never to use a "real" word again.

"Meat and two veg?" thought my conniving, already far too mature brain. "I'll have that."

A year later, reading Auel's The Valley of Horses, I was introduced to a whole 'nother sphere of a) penis usage (they're not just for convenient peeing??) and b) the fact that all those insane euphemisms I used for humorous purposes? Sometimes people use them for real. Both a and b were revelations, and similarly startling. Thanks to Ayla and Jondalar, I now knew just why one might refer to a penis as a "womanmaker," and also why it was still ridiculous to do so.

Indeed, once I got over the woman making, itself, I immediately started giggling at the term "womanmaker."

So that's my short, sordid history with the euphemism. But nothing's changed. I still love double entendre, puns, anything that lets me make something naughty out of something banal. This capacity has served me well because life's too short not to be naughty, and I live in Pennsylvania. Drastic measures are often necessary.

Which brings me back to the trouser snake, the words that popped up immediately into my brain the second I saw we had to write about snakes this week. And then I considered blogging just those two words, "Trouser snake," but thought I might be the only person who thought that was funny.

So instead, I'm going to give you a shit ton of trouser snakes, or some of my the most ridiculous euphemisms I could find, divided by category:

The Ouch Factor: Or, the Far Too Anatomically Specific
These euphemisms would better belong in a biology textbook than the bedroom, with their use of cringeworthy anatomical terms. Examples include:

  • Internal spinal massager
  • Fallopian fiddler
  • Hieny hobbit
  • Hymen hammer
  • Impregnator
  • Ovarian pool stick
  • Pelvic punisher
  • Purple-headed womb ferret
  • Tonsil toothbrush
  • Kidney scraper
  • Ear tickler (er...)
  • Placenta poker
  • Menstrual miner

  • Culinary Delights: Or, Food Belongs in the Kitchen
    While I enjoy my food, I'm not sure I enjoy the connotations these euphemisms, er, stir up.

  • Bacon Torpedo
  • Bald-headed yogurt slinger
  • Baloney pony
  • Beef bayonet
  • Breakfast burrito
  • Custard cannon
  • Kaptain Kielbasa
  • Kosher pickle
  • Heat-seeking meat missile
  • Muffin butterer
  • Mutton javelin
  • Pulsating Chorizo (a new personal favorite)

  • The Animal Kingdom
    Because we all obey the law of the jungle.

  • Beastus maximus
  • Beaver buster
  • Blind cave salamander
  • Cock-a-saurus Rex
  • Monty's python
  • Pajama python
  • Slippery love dolphin
  • Moose Knuckle

  • Occupational  Hazards
    Don't take these euphemisms into account when filling out a job application...

  • Bearded burglar 
  • Jive sausage (for all you musicians out there!)
  • Lady dagger (for you budding ass-assins!)
  • Love truncheon (for the riot police in all of us)
  • Pearl diver
  • Poka-her-hontas (look, Mom, I'm an adventurer!)
  • Poon farmer (Sorry, government subsidies unavailable for this type of farming)
  • Quantum jizzix (for those that like math)
  • Split-headed bishop
  • Presidential podium
  • The chubby conquistador 

  • The Optimistic: Or, the Keep Telling Yourself That, Sweetheart
    "Yes, dear, it IS the Hammer of Thor..."
  • Hammer of Thor
  • Iron horse
  • Lance of love
  • Longrod Von Hugedong
  • Moby Dick
  • Peacemaker
  • Rocket to Uranus
  • Vlad the Impaler
  • The war hammer
  • The zipper ripper
  • His Eminence
  • Godzilla

  • The Pessimistic: Or, Seriously, You Might Want to Rethink Your Marketing Strategy...
    If you build a tiny, decrepit old shack, no one will come...

  • The three inch punisher
  • Trouser mouse
  • Wee Willy Winky
  • Scooby snack
  •  Percy
  • Pee-Wee
  • My small little hunter
  • Muff mole
  • Mr. Wiggles
  • Little shepherd boy
  • Hoo hoo
  • Hairy acorn
  • Gizmo
  • Butter knife
  • Admiral Winky
  • The Tassel
  • Piggy Wig

  • The Inexplicable
    Why on earth...????

  • Bearded turtle necked one-eyed jack
  • Nebuchadnezzar
  • Buster McThunderstick
  • Harry & the Hendersons
  • Major Manchowder
  • Old drizzly
  • Porridge bazooka
  • Sock raper (poor socks!) 
  • Bob Dole
  • Uterus unicorn

  • ***Thanks to my friends on FB, Twitter, and this website, for making this blog post possible.


    Anonymous said...

    *chortles with delight* This is most excellent.

    Sophie Littlefield said...

    i believe you have just driven me down the path to celibacy. lovely, lovely list, however...

    Thomas Pluck said...


    Rachael Herron said...

    Meat and TWO VEG! That's the best one, imho.

    Anonymous said...

    This cheered me up no end!

    Anonymous said...

    womb ferret? too freaking funny!

    Anonymous said...

    I prefer something neighborly & welcoming such as "Mr. Happy". However, "bald headed yogurt slinger" is now my new favorite. Thanks!!

    evalyn said...

    Just when I was wondering why I stay single, thanks for the reminder.

    Nicole Peeler said...

    My favorite is Old Drizzly, with its echoes of incontinence. . . .

    jordanthemostwonderfulest said...

    My father is secretly pleased that piggy wig made the list. Or just mortified that I read him a list of penis euphemisms.

    jordanthemostwonderfulest said...
    This comment has been removed by the author.
    Bea said...

    This is hilarious, though some are a little scary.

    Juliet Blackwell said...

    Hahahah! DOn't know how I missed this the other day...HI-larious!!!

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