Trouser Snakes

I blame growing up on Monty Python for my adoration of the absurd euphemism. I remember being way too young and listening to Eric Idle sing the "Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis" song. Struck by the comic possibilities of being able to refer to something I wasn't strictly allowed to refer to, yet, as an eight-year-old, by giving it ridiculous names, I vowed never to use a "real" word again.

"Meat and two veg?" thought my conniving, already far too mature brain. "I'll have that."

A year later, reading Auel's The Valley of Horses, I was introduced to a whole 'nother sphere of a) penis usage (they're not just for convenient peeing??) and b) the fact that all those insane euphemisms I used for humorous purposes? Sometimes people use them for real. Both a and b were revelations, and similarly startling. Thanks to Ayla and Jondalar, I now knew just why one might refer to a penis as a "womanmaker," and also why it was still ridiculous to do so.

Indeed, once I got over the woman making, itself, I immediately started giggling at the term "womanmaker."

So that's my short, sordid history with the euphemism. But nothing's changed. I still love double entendre, puns, anything that lets me make something naughty out of something banal. This capacity has served me well because life's too short not to be naughty, and I live in Pennsylvania. Drastic measures are often necessary.

Which brings me back to the trouser snake, the words that popped up immediately into my brain the second I saw we had to write about snakes this week. And then I considered blogging just those two words, "Trouser snake," but thought I might be the only person who thought that was funny.

So instead, I'm going to give you a shit ton of trouser snakes, or some of my the most ridiculous euphemisms I could find, divided by category:

The Ouch Factor: Or, the Far Too Anatomically Specific
These euphemisms would better belong in a biology textbook than the bedroom, with their use of cringeworthy anatomical terms. Examples include:

Internal spinal massager

Fallopian fiddler

Hieny hobbit

Hymen hammer

Impregnator

Ovarian pool stick

Pelvic punisher

Purple-headed womb ferret

Tonsil toothbrush

Kidney scraper

Ear tickler (er...)

Placenta poker

Menstrual miner

Culinary Delights: Or, Food Belongs in the Kitchen
While I enjoy my food, I'm not sure I enjoy the connotations these euphemisms, er, stir up.

Bacon Torpedo

Bald-headed yogurt slinger

Baloney pony

Beef bayonet

Breakfast burrito

Custard cannon

Kaptain Kielbasa

Kosher pickle

Heat-seeking meat missile

Muffin butterer

Mutton javelin

Pulsating Chorizo (a new personal favorite)

The Animal Kingdom
Because we all obey the law of the jungle.

Beastus maximus

Beaver buster

Blind cave salamander

Cock-a-saurus Rex

Monty's python

Pajama python

Slippery love dolphin

Moose Knuckle

Occupational  Hazards
Don't take these euphemisms into account when filling out a job application...

Bearded burglar 

Jive sausage (for all you musicians out there!)

Lady dagger (for you budding ass-assins!)

Love truncheon (for the riot police in all of us)

Pearl diver

Poka-her-hontas (look, Mom, I'm an adventurer!)

Poon farmer (Sorry, government subsidies unavailable for this type of farming)

Quantum jizzix (for those that like math)

Split-headed bishop

Presidential podium

The chubby conquistador 

The Optimistic: Or, the Keep Telling Yourself That, Sweetheart
"Yes, dear, it IS the Hammer of Thor..."
 

Hammer of Thor

Iron horse

Lance of love

Longrod Von Hugedong

Moby Dick

Peacemaker

Rocket to Uranus

Vlad the Impaler

The war hammer

The zipper ripper

His Eminence

Godzilla

The Pessimistic: Or, Seriously, You Might Want to Rethink Your Marketing Strategy...
If you build a tiny, decrepit old shack, no one will come...

The three inch punisher

Trouser mouse

Wee Willy Winky

Scooby snack

 Percy

Pee-Wee

My small little hunter

Muff mole

Mr. Wiggles

Little shepherd boy

Hoo hoo

Hairy acorn

Gizmo

Butter knife

Admiral Winky

The Tassel

Piggy Wig

The Inexplicable
Why on earth...????

Bearded turtle necked one-eyed jack

Nebuchadnezzar

Buster McThunderstick

Harry & the Hendersons

Major Manchowder

Old drizzly

Porridge bazooka

Sock raper (poor socks!) 

Bob Dole

Uterus unicorn

***Thanks to my friends on FB, Twitter, and this website, for making this blog post possible.