Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Martha's Revenge Standards

I don't have a lot of personal experience with revenge, but I think I'd be awesome at it.

I'm selfish, quick to violence and ruthlessly efficient. In addition to making me a shoo-in to survive the impending zombie apocalypse, those traits would make me some kind of revenge master.

I think when you're naturally talented at something, you should help others exceed. Just call me your personal revenge sensei.

1. Revenge is a solo act. Ocean's 13 was a fun watch, but how are you supposed to hang onto seething self-righteous anger while syncing your Blackberry schedules?

2. Revenge gets served within 24 hours. Revenge is only a dish best served cold for losers who can't get their shit together sooner. Any decent revenge seeker should have the motivation and anger to envision, implement and execute revenge in less than day. Any less than that, and you're just screwing around.

3. Revenge is not proportional. No Hammurabic "eye for an eye" code here. If someone takes your eye, you take their face. Got it?

4. Revenge is permanent. Anything less is a frat-boy prank. Replacing water with pee/switching shampoo with Nair/spitting on a burger = prank. Burning down a house = a prank - people are insured these days. Infecting someone with a raging drug-resistant strain of gonorrhea? That's better. Infecting them via their spouse? Now you're talking.

5. Revenge should not affect the person dishing it out. Give yourself a week post-revenge to revel in the act. Then forget about it. If it bothers you, if you can even be bothered to remember it, it's not revenge.

I really hope this weeds out any pansy revenge seekers and encourages the rest of you to take your revenge seeking to a whole 'nother level. Excellence in everything, my friends!


Unknown said...

Sweetie--I am so glad you are my friend :)

Sophie Littlefield said...

martha, this is my favorite post from you EVER and that is saying something. "Revenge is only a dish best served cold for losers who can't get their shit together sooner" - WOW

Rachael Herron said...

I am never, ever pissing you off. Ever. Also, I know how sweet and loving you are, so I LOVE THIS SIDE OF YOU.

L.G.C. Smith said...

Are you by any chance a seventh-century warlord? I think you'd have done well in that world.

hahnak said...

holy shit. i love this

Daisy Bateman said...

This truly, deeply awesome. Scary, but awesome.